Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Big One

There is a back story to every one's story.  You don't know me, really.  You know only those parts of me that I have shared, but have no real contextual knowledge of where those parts fit into the whole person.  That is probably as it should be.  That is not how it will remain.  In order to know me, as I want you to know me, you NEED to know my back story, my history.  Without knowing that, you are getting an incomplete picture and I want you to be able to see it all.  Those stories that relate to my life long struggle with weight are the ones that will help you best understand some of my sartorial comments and choices.  It will help you understand what I see.

Before we go there however I want to say one more thing.  My life is a blessed one.  I am fortunate beyond words and I appreciate those blessings every day.  My struggles are insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I KNOW this.  I still feel like sharing though, and whining a little.  If you don't want to keep reading, that's cool.  I'll see you later.  If you want to learn a bit more about me, then make the jump.




This is a little capsule of my early school years.  The big picture is 1st grade, then from top to bottom is 2nd, 5th (bad home perm) and sixth (this haircut earned me the nickname "Cabbage Patch" which sadly stuck around for years) grades.  As you can tell I was never a skinny kid.  I also had the great fortune to be best friends with the skinniest girls in town, so the disparity between them and me was always felt.  I can clearly remember as early as 5th grade, feeling bad about my body.  I wasn't an inactive child, I played a sport every season and spent ALL of my free time outdoors.  Of course, I may have been sitting in a tree reading a book rather than, like, running around.  Regardless, I was the one girl in town wearing a one piece bathing suit at the pool while all the other girls wore bikinis.  I have NEVER worn a bikini, never could.  I have ALWAYS loved food, always will.  Now you see my problem?  Flashing forward a bit.


The big picture is my (high school) Sophomore formal.  The red dress is Junior year, on a vacation with my parents (a cruise to Bermuda and that is what I wore for debarkation.  Really?)  The yellow shirt (mustard was NOT in in 1990 but I was wearing it anyway) photo is from my Sophomore year in college.  What you are seeing is the continuation of the above theme.  I'm the chunky girl.  The one who is self conscious and shy and not all that social.  I still love food, but have stopped all sports since my natural athletic ability is actually poor and once real competition began in High School I was never good enough to make a team.  I tried out for Softball, Field Hockey and Tennis and didn't make it for any of them.  Sigh.  I was great in Drama though, go figure.

Once college came, and the midnight munchies and beer kegs started becoming a regular part of my life I managed to become something more than chunky.  Bad habits were formed and my natural aversion to physical activity was strengthened by my increasingly unwieldy frame.  Fate being what it is, I was once again surrounded by the MOST beautiful women on campus.

My girls.  So, this wasn't actually in college, it was 1996 so we were already out 4 years by this point
They were (and still are) my best friends, but the disparity now was so obvious it was glaring.  I was the fat friend.  Like they had taken pity on me and included me in their group.  That's what I always imagined people thought when they looked at us.  It isn't the truth of the matter of course, these women were true friends and I know my role in their lives is as important to them as theirs is to mine, but in my head the truth never spoke loudly enough to be heard.

The red suit picture is from 1994, the center picture is my 25th birthday and the black dress is the night of my rehearsal dinner in 1996.  

Your 20's are supposed to be about becoming who you were meant to be.  My 20's were spent like this, enjoying life despite my size.  By now I felt that this is just how I was going to be so I got over my desire to be something else and just had a great time.  I had met my husband in college, he fell in love with me as I was so who could want anything else.  Time marches on and by our first anniversary I was 8 months pregnant with our first child.  I'm not gonna lie, I used pregnancy as an excuse to overeat.  I gained a lot of weight that first time around.  A year later, and you can see that I hadn't lost too much of it.

The year is 1998 and I am 27 years old. I believe I was a size 16.

After I had my second child I stopped working and became a stay at home Mom.  Baby gates in doorways required me to step over them a thousand times a day.  I gave up regular Coke in favor of seltzer water.  I started Weight Watchers for the first time.  The change was small but significant.  I began to rethink things and question my choices.

Then we moved to Florida, leaving behind all our friends and family.  For the first time in our lives having no one but ourselves to depend on.  I didn't do so well without my support system at first.  I fell back into my bad habits.  Then, on 9-11-2001, I found out that I was expecting my 3rd child.  Not the most auspicious time to receive news like that.  Our joy was negated by the terror going on around us.  Joy cannot be contained however, and by May 2002 our family was complete.  I wish I could find pictures that have me in them, but I had stopped letting people take my photo by this time.

I really am not sure what happened to trigger what came next.  I think it may have been that my friend was getting married again and I would be going "home" to see them all after not seeing them for 2 years.  I wanted my life to be different, I wanted control.  I never wanted my kids to look at me and feel embarrassed.  I'm not saying they ever would have been, but that was my thinking, and I wanted to change.  So I did.  Just like that.

I started Atkins (because my neighbor was doing it and we were able to help and support each other) and started walking.  I wore one kid on my back and pushed the other two in a double stroller around our neighborhood.  2 miles, every day.  We lived 7 miles from the beach and so I took my kids to play there all the time.  We were members of our local zoo so I would take them there and walk and walk and walk.  I dropped 30 pounds and was able to wear a size 8 for the first time in my adult life.  I still remember the feeling of shopping for clothes in "regular" stores.  Thrilling, exciting, motivating.  The dress I wore to the wedding was a size 6, and the bride passed by me in the lobby of the hotel and didn't know it was me.  One of my best friends in the world couldn't recognize me any more.  THAT was exactly what I wanted.  Needless to say my girls were all very proud of me and I had a great time seeing every one.  I also have no pictures of that.  I was too busy dancing.

No one can do Atkins forever, well, I couldn't anyway.   Not even while super motivated, and high on my own success.  You see,  I love pizza and french fries and ice cream.  So I made the transition back to eating carbs in moderation.  Then we moved again.  This time, we moved into my family home in the town where I grew up, essentially where the story started.


By 2004 (I was 33) this is what I looked like.  I am no skinny minnie, but I felt good about myself.  I was active and watching what I ate.  We made some fantastic friends in our little town and began a weekly tradition of getting together for food and drinks on Fridays.  The weight crept up a little and I started Weight Watchers for the 2nd time.  I was completely dedicated to the program.  After about 6 months of being very diligent, I made it to my lowest ever weight.  Know what?  There is one picture of me at this time.  ONE.

This is the only time I was ever smaller than my sister.  It lasted about a month.  I was a size 2 but never bought anything that size because I knew it could never last.  I happily bought a whole lot of clothes in size 4 though, and was determined to stay there.

I was able to sustain that for about two years, and then I found out that I was going to have to sell my parents' home and move away again, this time across the country to AZ.  I did NOT react well and began to eat and drink without restraint.  By the time we actually made the move to AZ I was a size 10 again.  Once we arrived and I accepted my new lot in life, I started paying attention again and dropped back into a size 8.  The difference isn't really that much-maybe 10 pounds, but it is significant on my frame and for my frame of mind.

So, here we are.  It has been almost 10 years since I wore those size 4's.  Every six months for those 10 years I seem to have the ability and self control to eat better and exercise and wear my size 6's.  Then, something happens (hormones? demons? you choose) and I just say fuck it.  No one is looking at me anymore (cause I'm old and married, you see),  I don't need to pressure myself to get back to that size 4.  Society's ideals for women suck and I don't want to play anymore.  So I eat and drink and laze about and begin to overflow my 8's again.  Then, when my only recourse is to dig out those 10's, I start the whole damn cycle again.

I am on this mental merry go round and I just want to get off.  I'm tired, but I don't know how to get off of it.  I want the brass ring.  I want to just eat healthily ALL the time, exercise because it's good for me, and be a better example to my children.  I don't want, GOD, I REALLY DON'T WANT my daughter to get on this merry go round of craziness, where self worth and the scale are connected.  Where what you see in the mirror determines the outcome of your entire day.  I want her and all of our young girls banned from that ride.

I took some photos last month, trying to get in on the black and white theme that was going on at the time.  Here are the pictures that started my current mental collapse.  What do you see when you look at them? (a rhetorical question, I don't really expect an answer)


When I look at them, I see that picture from 1998, all over again.  I see the loss of all the hard work I did last year at this time which had me comfortably in my 6's and feeling good.  The loss of the last 10 years of struggle.  What doesn't hit my brain is that it was probably just bad styling, and switching a couple things would change the way it all looked.  

So now I'm stuck.  Now I can't even dredge up a shred of motivation and I have no idea why.  Maybe for some of you, where I am at may be where you are aiming to be and that is AWESOME.  You see now that I can relate to that, because at one point in time I would have happily traded my left kidney to be a size 8.  But I still remember the me of 2005 and I compare myself now to the me I was then.  Still imagining that thin me is happier than current me.  

I'm not looking for sympathy, or kind words, or praise I swear.  I just wanted to share all this with you guys so that when I disappear for a while and don't post pictures you have a better understanding of why.  Hopefully I will get my mojo back and find a way to get off the mental merry go round.  Hopefully I will find a way to just live healthily without attaching value to scale or pant size.  Until then I'll put up the pictures I can stand to look at, and keep you posted along the way.

If you had the patience to read all that, God bless you.  I just wanted it out of my head.  Thanks for sticking with it.  I hope you can look past my nonsense and come back for my normal posts!

XO,
Alyssa

27 comments:

  1. Oh Alyssa, I think you are gorgeous! All over! From tip to toe! Inside and out! This photo, and every other photo you've posted on your blog shows the world a beautiful woman that dresses her body with care and attention.

    I totally understand that you feel that you are on a mental merry go round. I do have some suggestions that will help, and I will email you privately. I have a busy weekend though, and may not get back to you until Tuesday!

    Sue xo

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    1. Thank you Sue. I look forward to any and all suggestions you may have. I am going to try to close my eyes and "feel" my clothes. We'll see how it works.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Alyssa! I am on the merry go round too although I was skinny until my mid twenties. This spring will be my third trip down the weight loss lane. I have gotten pretty good at it, but just cannot keep it up during the winter. :) Anyway. I think you are beautiful and don't see any difference in that picture and your usual ones. (We are our own worst critics after all.)

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  3. I see a pretty woman who doesn't know it. I see a person who is smaller than I'll ever be. I went to the doctor this week because my head is where yours is. Only I'm a lot older, diabetic, have back and knee problems, etc. If you don't forgive yourself for not being perfect, your health might suffer like mine has and you could be unavailable for those lovely children. And I hope you can avoid that. Liking oneself is hard. I'm a lifelong self loather. Please take care of yourself.

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    1. Judy,

      Thank you for your kind words, and sharing your own story with me. I hope that your trip to the doctor was helpful. Follow your own advice my dear, take care of yourself! I am always here if you need an ear...always. just email me.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  4. Wow. So many of us get this. I'm betting the entire farm that every woman who reads this will get it. The fierceness of your determination to protect your daughter (and by extension, the daughters of the rest of us) is heroic. If your battles have given you the skills and the will to do that, then that's one thing good from your years of fighting.

    I also get why you only have a few photographs of yourself, and only one of you at your best. I'm glad you let us know about that ... I thought I was the only one who had no visual documentation of whole decades of her life because of how she looked, or thought she looked. And I suspect that many photograph ourselves to verify that we really do exist, and to make sure someone sees us. I still hate to be photographed.

    I have to tell you that the photographs above show me a trim young woman with an enviable figure and face. (You already know I think you have the best hair in the universe.) I tell you that not to blow sunshine up your pant leg, but to suggest that you have some dysmorphia going. That in no way dismisses your feelings about the pictures, but it's true that we really *can't* recognize ourselves in photographs fully. Just a thought.

    You are quite right in all that you say ... maintaining a desired weight is hard. But I will tell you a thing that you might not know yet, because you're still young. Women with rounder faces and a little extra padding age better than skinny girls with chiseled bone structure. There is a moment that might happen for you when you decide to keep on an extra pound or five because when you get down to your fighting weight, you start looking a little haggard, and you look a little older when you are thinner. Not that this will make you feel any better right now, but at least it's something to look forward to!

    When you find a way to get off the mental merry-go-round, please write a book and send me the first copy.

    Until you write again ...
    Big hugs if you like them,
    J




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    1. Jan, I love hugs, thank you!

      Heroic I am not so sure about, and I know I'm not doing the best job. I am making an effort though, and try very hard to make my positive comments to her about something other than her physical self. You are so smart, funny, kind, loving etc. Sometimes it slips though and I tell her how beautiful she is. Every once in a while its good to hear too.

      Thank you for always saying the right thing to me and being my cheerleader. I appreciate you.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  5. I have to agree with the comments so far - you are beautiful, and you are being a little too hard on yourself. I understand that comes from growing up "chunky." But your weight now is probably pretty average - not heavy. The two things I want to tell you are that you will gradually gain weight as you get older, if you're lucky enough to be well fed. I've learned to just accept this and not get too fussy or beat myself up. Like Jan says, you won't wrinkle as much! The second thing is to make sure you get enough sleep (and make sure your kids get enough sleep). Recent studies show how important a full night's sleep is on the hormones that regulate weight and appetite, so don't underestimate how important that is.

    Good luck with finding that happy medium, but don't stress over it too much. I know it's important for your own self-image, but I'm sure your friends and family accept you no matter what you look like.

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    1. I have to jump in here and echo what Val is saying, Alyssa! She's so right about sleep for you, your kids, your huz and even your pets! I always find that I ruminate (get caught in negative thought vortexes ) much less and that it helps enormously with all kinds of personal balance issues.

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    2. Val, thank you.

      One thing that struck me hard about your comment was "if you are lucky enough to be well fed". I am lucky, and I KNOW that. There are so, so SO many people in this world who suffer from malnutrition and hunger and my stupid issues are ridiculous in comparison. Sometimes it helps to get out of your own head and into someone else's. Thanks for that.

      As to the sleep issue...I get plenty, no problems in area!! ;o)

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  6. Well, I see a very stylish women! It's all hormones you know .. not really motivation or anything. When I was 20, I could eat anything and never gain an ounce .. now I just look at ice cream and whomp! .. 5 lbs right to my legs .. lol. I just try to do the best I can, eat healthy, exercise when I can (or when I feel well) .. and the rest be damned.

    Monica.
    www.pear-shaped-gal.com

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    1. Thanks Monica! I was LOL at the whomp comment. too funny. I would love to blame this on hormones, at what point can I get that medically confirmed? LOL

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  7. Alyssa, I first couldn't believe what I read. When I look at your current photos, I see a beautiful woman, very youthful because of your admirable hair (as mentioned before), your slightly suntanned skin, your smile and your overall look. This is what I always noticed and never ever (!) had any thoughts like "oh, she needs to loose some weight!"
    On your recent black&white themed photos you look fabulous!

    I was slim all my life, never struggled with weight. However when I turned older, I had my ups and downs - on a very moderate level and hardly noticable for others. Currently (I turned 50) I am at my highest weight ever and I am not happy with it at all. After a personal crisis in 2011, I lost around 10kg because I didn't eat any more. I was down to a US size 6. I liked my waist and my hips but of course I lost weight where I didn't want to loose it. My breast, my cheeks, my neck and cleavage - by no means I looked healthy.

    Excercise like regular running and low on carbs plus the cut on my glass of wine at night is the key for me and probably most of us at our age (ok, I'll reconsider the wine!!)
    It doesn't only help loosing 2 or 3 kgs but it makes me feel better. I can't and I don't want to go back and loose 10kg!

    Alyssa, your own perception is definitely and completely different from what others see.
    You are a real woman and you look fabulous!

    ... on a totally different note: On your 1st grade photo you are wearing a Dirndl which is typical for Bavaria where I live. Do you remember why and where you got it from?

    Big hug from Germany,
    Annette
    Lady of Style

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    1. Annette,

      Thanks for your kind words. You are BEAUTIFUL, so leave in the wine! It helps our mental state, I swear.

      As to the Dirndl...I would hazard a guess that my outfit was sewn by my Grandmother whom we lived with. She was 1st generation American, her parents from Hungary and Poland. Could that be the reason? I don't know how influential the Bavarian culture traveled to those countries, but it is a guess. Or it could have just been the 70's and we all dressed Bavarian. LOL.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  8. Your honesty is beautiful. It takes a LOT of guts to write down your life story. It made me cry, because it is also my life story.

    I recently saw Brene Brown on Oprah's Soul Sunday and her description of why women eat hit home. We eat to numb the shame we feel about ourselves. The unworthiness. And you know what her solution is? Vulnerability. It is the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to yourself, and an empathetic connection to others.
    This post is the perfect example of vulnerability. It's like you instinctually knew the first step in solving your unhappiness. Wow.

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    1. Oh NICOLE!!

      It was not my intent to make anyone cry, I can tell you that!!! I am glad you could relate though, as everyone has so far. I am also glad you took my whining as vulnerability! LOL. I'm still working on the compassion part, but hopefully it will come. My peers guarantee me it is so. Thanks for your kindness in commenting.

      Xo,
      Alyssa

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  9. I can relate to every word you have said and are thinking. But I will only be a size 6 ever again in my dreams. I have just lost 18 pounds since the first of the year and have gotten my fat self into a size 10...and that's a HUGE deal for me. I'd love to be and live at a size 8. Not sure if I can give up that much food to be there without feeling deprived and starved (just not into that so much these days). But I'm doing what I can and watching those calories and maintaining my happiness in the process of it all.
    You look beautiful. I've always thought so in every photo you've blogged. But I know how you feel and hope for better days for you. I've yo-yo'd my whole life and gained and lost more times than I can count. I think finally being in a good relationship and feeling loved for "me" not my size has helped with my mental status tremendously. I don't feel under pressure to lose weight. If I do, I do. Great. And if this is the best it gets, then I'll just live with it and be happy anyway.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Lisa...way to go!!! You are an inspiration to be sure. You mean starving and deprivation isn't enticing to you? lol You always look beautiful, so I am glad you are happy.

      Thank you for your kinds words. My DH met and fell in love with me when I was a much bigger girl, and has never EVER pressured me to be something different. All of my successes and foibles are my own, and he is my cheerleader in all things. All he wants is me to be happy. As long as I will always wear high heels for him ;o)

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  10. I hope you decide that it's important to love yourself at the weight you are today, tomorrow, and ever more so you don't stop posting pictures. I limit myself to 1200 calories a day, can only exercise so much because I'm disabled, and I'm built like a hobbit anyway. I'm tired of hiding and punishing myself for not being thinner. I'm going to be fabulous today, tomorrow, and every day I have left ;-)

    Spashionista (Alicia)

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    1. Alicia,

      First, thank you for stopping by, I am excited you came over to visit!! Secondly you are NOT shaped like a Hobbit!! I love all your outfit photos and your amazing personality shines through in every one of them. I am hoping to gain your attitude ASAP!

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  11. I've been following your blog for awhile now and I have to agree with what many of the others have said, you look amazing. I'm going to be 56 years old this June and like you, all my life, I felt fat. I'm 5'5" and even when I only weighed 125 lbs all I saw was my fat thighs.

    I have never, even at my lowest weight, been less than a size 8, never. In fact, I looked pretty darn awesome in an 8 and a 10 as well. However, several years ago, following my divorce, subsequent remarriage to my DH, and a whole lot if teenager problems ( we have 5 kids between us). I managed to work my way up to 211 lbs.

    I had never been so heavy, nor had I disregarded my appearance more. Between the kid issues, I got depressed and the anti depressants made me heavy and bloated (plus I was eating a LOT). Long story short, I lost about 35 lbs, regained 12 of t hem and am weighing 193 lbs now. I'm between a 14/16 but I feel confident and more attractive than I did when I was in my 29's and 30's. A little extra fat prevents a lot of wrinkles and since I'm taking so much better care of myself, I get a lot of compliments .

    Believe me when you hit your mid50's you'll look back on these pix and realize how amazing you look. I agree you may have a bit of a body dysmorphia going on, you can't see how great you look. Not everyone is cut out to be a natural size 2, you're either born that way or you starve yourself, I have 2 sisters both a size 2, one naturally so, the other on a perennial diet. Please take a good look at yourself and see what we see, a beautiful, slender woman with a great sense if style . Don't give up.


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    1. Terry... thank you.

      Thank you for thinking I look amazing, and more importantly for sharing a little of your story with me. I am only 5'3", and those extra two inches make a difference. Like you pointed out though, your confidence is truly what makes you shine. I need an attitude adjustment more than anything else. Thanks for the wake up call.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  12. Alyssa, you look great and I honestly understand your struggle. I have always been overweight and was always the girl with the great personality, but who was a little "chunky". My personal breaking point was when my mom told me I looked fat in my wedding dress. Nice. Real nice. That comment drove me to lose 40 pounds before my wedding and gave me an eating disorder. I went on my honeymoon afraid to eat everything and absolutely miserable. This went on for years until one day, I decided I'd rather be happy than be super skinny. I was miserable skinny and at least when I was overweight, I was happy. For me, I've struck a balance. I know what size I'm comfortable being and if the pants start to fit a little tighter, I back off the food until they fit again. I am a life long Jenny Craig member and I visit my consultant weekly just to hold myself accountable for my actions. For me, I need that accountability or I get myself into trouble. I think you have a fabulous sense of style and look absolutely fantastic! Don't beat yourself up over this!!!

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    1. Lori...I only know of you what you have blogged, but I have never "seen" you as anything other than skinny. Thanks for sharing a little more of your story with me. Once Moms lose their mental filter, the stuff they say can be stunning, huh? I can trade notes with you some day. I'm going back to blaming the hormones on that one.

      It makes me happy to hear that you overcame your issues and have found a way to live healthily and happily.

      Thanks for your kind words, and for being here for me.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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  13. We should all start questioning society’s standards for the perfect body rather than blithely accepting them. The air-brushed perfection in the industry is just leading to women’s low self-esteem and negative self/body image!! Striving for perfection is demoralizing.

    The whole beauty myth goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. The bottom line is being happy with yourself. If you accept yourself, you can be happy with who you are! It is about accepting that you are O.K. NOW, in this moment. Just as you are. Accepting ourselves is key to being happy and feeling good about ourselves. Embracing your "flaws", your limitations. And still believing that you are an attractive, desirable woman who has a lot to offer. Personality is what ultimately attracts, and what you have inside is what truly matters!

    And just to let you know...first time I comment in a blog. WHY I follow your blog? Because of your essence as a person; you do not present yourself as a model, however for me, you are a great example of a real women in her 40's, with fashion style, dealing with daily life struggles, and working with what you have. Your hair is your best accessory! Your real beauty shows through your writing. And I appreciate that. I connect with that. You see...I find your honest, clear and creative writing...BEAUTIFUL. Your Authenticity makes me smile. You are not pretending to be something you’re not. And there is greatness there. A BIG HUG.

    Note: in GCOGH I am FAB AT 40

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    1. Carolina--I'm so glad to know your real name!!! I post to you on GCOGH all the time!!

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share such great thoughts with me. I agree that the beauty myth is out of control, and that is exactly what I'm trying to prevent for my daughter...unfortunately for me I'm in it. Thank you for your encouragement, and for your caring, and for taking the time to post to me. It means the world.

      xo,
      Alyssa

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    2. Thanks to you. I just wanted to share with you my perception of you and your blog. I struggle too, for different reasons, but I struggle. I was size 2/4 all my life, great body...had my kids and became size 6 and I still was OK with that. BUT suddenly at 44, I found myself wearing 8-10. Not OK with THAT! And in my search for ways of feeling better (while I had to change and remix my whole wardrobe), I started reading fashion blogs, just last December. How to dress after 40 is my main concern. It is a whole new universe, and I have a whole new body to adjust too. I am in the hard process of loving it and embracing it. You have been a vital part of this process. I can related to you, another women in her 40's, that has enough sense of humor to make fun of herself, like when you write "Don't mind the greasy looking bangs..." It is so REFRESHING! Love it! And I THANK YOU for that.

      xo, Carolina

      P.D. I name myself FAB AFTER 40 in GCOGH for a very important reason. That's my ad for attracting women of our segment, that can relate too. I am still a little overwhelm by all the young members, but trying to make for us a niche. ;)

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